forever

i feel like picking a title shouldn't be this hard. i'm probably overthinking every detail of what will forever be the first piece i post to this domain. but it's also a good reflection of what i want pieces on this domain to be: unorganized, unpolished strings of words loosely grouped by my interpretation of a theme.

20

recently turned 20, and i've been thinking - just a bit - about the next decade i have in front of me. the usual: strive for a meaningful, excellent career, travel the world (not just jp + kr), become a better person, and get married. but as i keep considering and visualizing this future, i've noted 2 things.

1. it seems like it'll be forever until these items materialize
2. i sometimes wish i could live in those 4 years of high school and 2 years of college forever

the coexistence of and interplay between impatience and nostalgia have always struck me as fascinating. a simple analysis would have me believe that impatience is driven by ambition, while nostalgia is a product of reflection. that's why at any given moment, i feel primarily one of both.

in truth, impatience and nostalgia are both the natural end state of a dissatisfaction with the status quo. a desire to either go forward or backward in time to "better" times. but honestly, i'm more interested in this desire to go back in time. i'm sure i will write plenty of pieces on conviction, motivation, passion, and ambition - most of my life has been directed by one or many of these. but maybe it's because i'm taking a gap year, living on my own (relatively), or have finally gathered enough memories, but this desire to reminisce has never existed to the degree that it has recently.

18

let's scroll back to the last major life event - right before going off to college. i will never forget august 18, 2023 - the first time i was surprised with a birthday celebration by friends and family. i have never considered my birthday to be special; after all, the difference between the 17th and the 18th is quite literally semantic. but to imagine that friends - both old and new - would come together to celebrate a day that only holds a semblance of significance in relation to myself - perhaps, it was all about the friends we made along the way. and maybe that strong sense of familiarity, convenience, and locality is something i miss dearly now.

after i went off to college, everyone scattered everywhere across the country all at once (great movie by the way). not even to mention that, for now, i also won't be reunited with the friends i've made in college. and of course, everyone gets busy in their 20s - so many places to be and things to do. but i would be remiss if i didn't treasure these brief moments we have together. months pass like seconds and years like days. friend, the next time i see you, i hope time has not widened the chasm of distance between us. for the memories i have of us will certainly last forever.

is there some sort of fascinating conclusion or nontrivial insight here? most definitely not. after all, how novel can a piece be when its author gave up on choosing its title and defaulted to his "Now Playing"? i can only hope that i have reminded you of some memories and people you haven't thought of in forever.

but if you know how it ends

don't give it away

i wanna feel like this forever

—keshi, "Forever"